Like any emotion, your anger is valid. When you’re high in emotional intelligence, you better understand where it comes from and will be better at regulating your anger. Start with knowing that no one is ever really angry about the obvious. There’s always something deeper.

A friend recently shared with me that she got really angry with her husband for something trivial. And I mean she lost her shit on him and then he responded in kind. He ended up sleeping on the sofa, and it took days for them to come back together. What she was really upset about, though, was that he always travels for work, leaving her alone with their very young child. It’s exhausting for her, especially because their little girl acts out when he’s gone and throws more temper tantrums.

Other contributing factors to her overreaction: lack of sleep, being hungry, anger carried over from her own parent’s absenteeism in her youth, beliefs about her parenting role, beliefs about his parenting role, her morals and values, cognitive dissonance, and the list goes on.

Take a moment to breathe before you react in ways you can’t take back. Spend time with your anger and go deeper into possible reasons other than what set you off. When you can be vulnerable and share your true wants and needs, it helps the other person to better understand you and where you’re coming from. It can be scary to share your true self with another, but you are far more likely to get your needs met and be more satisfied, if not downright happy, with the relationship.

Find patience with yourself and the other people in your life. It can take a lifetime to get to know ourselves and others. The more we know ourselves, the easier it is to manage our emotions. It’s not about control; it’s about management. Understanding and managing anger is a journey, not a destination—one that leads to deeper self-awareness, healthier relationships, and a greater capacity for compassion for yourself and those around you.